open adoption

I want to be the shield to protect …

1 Comment

“Not every lesson in life can be learned–some have to be lived” ~ Arianna Huffington

As a parent you want to be the shield and protect your child/children from anything and everything.  This is very true and especially when you want to save their feelings of hurt or disappointment.  And as a parent living in two very open adoptions you want to do everything in your power to make certain your children are always happy and not touched by sadness or disappointment.

Life is full of things that may cause hurt or disappointment things that you cannot control.  All parts of life become some sort of life lessons; but for my girls at their young ages I want them not to know how it feels when someone disappoints you.  However this is not something I can control…the actions of another causing disappointment to my girls.

Life is not perfect and neither are people.  It’s just that  J’s birthmom suddenly and without warning sent a text early in the morning of our get together to cancel.  I normally don’t get in a twist but it’s J’s birthday.  The situation gets complicated from there which I’ll leave for another time to post.

At almost 5 years old this relationship between J and S is theirs to develop and build together.  Disappointment shouldn’t be part of this autonomous relationship in my opinion, not yet.

We wiped away the tears after sharing the news, we talked about our feelings of disappointment, sadness and how it’s okay to miss someone when you won’t see them when you think.

When she was younger we didn’t share when plans were scheduled as they could change without warning.  So in protecting/shielding our children from disappointment we wouldn’t let them know too far in advance.  However, we learned it’s not for us to be this over protective.  Instead we realized we need to be there to help them through their emotions of disappointment when plans change.

So now we move forward with our family plans to help J celebrate turning 5!  And although we didn’t see S we do have separate plans to see her birthfather and his family.

 

 

What the Baby Veronica Case brings up for me ….

Leave a comment
Everyone’s story and journey to parenthood is different, ours changed from trying to get pregnant to not needing to be pregnant to become parents and then deciding on the family-building option of domestic open adoption.
 
From the outside looking in our adoption journey was seamless and painless, but that is not always the case.  We made tough decisions along the way and when our second daughter was born there was more than those on the outside looking in were aware of.
 
Our journey to parenthood was guided by the late great Ellen Roseman of Cooperative Adoption Consulting.  Her guidance and wisdom were with us throughout our journey as well as the education she provided on openness in adoption and not leaving anyone out in the family especially expectant/birth fathers.
 
It was this aspect of the process that reminds me part of our journey to our daughter J and the decisions we were faced with after her birth.  We met J’s birthmother 10 days before she was born which truly was not enough time (in our mind) for her to make a permanent placement decision.  We had begun talking about her parenting after the baby was born and she turned this discussion into our sharing parenting as she works through her thoughts and feelings for what decisions were ahead for her.  The plan became about her taking the baby home from the hospital and then passing her onto us with S’s time becoming less and ours more if she decided that adoption was going to be her plan.  Then on top of that when my husband contacted the baby’s expectant father he went from first thinking our adopting his baby was a great idea, and hours later he didn’t.  We realized at that moment we might have to walk away from S & J.  Heartbreaking to say the least but we knew we had no place to fight him if he really wanted to parent his daughter and this was something he and S were going to have to discuss.  Their relationship was long diminished before this and that is why he was not initially part of her decision to consider adoption for their baby.
 
During this time, S wasn’t still completely sure what she wanted as far as parenting or entrusting her daughter with us.  We had to step out of the conversations at that point as it was not for us to be involved it was between them.  Ellen was there with us along the way and guided us through. 
 
It was hard, very hard but we knew we weren’t part of this discussion and we couldn’t be, it wasn’t our baby to fight for even though our hearts felt otherwise.  We had our two year old daughter to be parenting at this time so we had to still be there for her while all this was going on and she was to stay our focus.
 
We waited and waited to hear what the final outcome might be.  We heard from Ellen and S that the baby’s birth father had in fact consenting on the adoption placement. 
 
To this day we don’t know what brought him/them to this decision.  This last December we reconnected with him and his son (J’s brother) in beginning to establish a relationship as a family together.   At first he wanted nothing to do with J and us as a family.  We always left the door open knowing someday J would want to know him.  Then just like that last October he commented on a photo on facebook (we had become friends even though we didn’t communicate).  From that initial re-communication we planned on getting to know each other in person.  Our first in-person meeting was in December 2012.   Today we are planning another get together in honor of J’s birthday.
 
So yes from the outside looking in no one would suspect what had happened on our second journey to parenthood … I can still remember it like it was yesterday and reading and following the story of Baby Veronica it brings back these feelings and memories.   I don’t fault the prospective adoptive parents in how they may be feeling, but I really feel when the father of this little girl started fighting for her when she was an infant they should have bowed out.  Now there is an almost 4 year old girl whose life is turning upside down yet again.  This case and others like it bring to light the non-ethical professionals in adoption as it appears from the outside looking in in my opinion that they are not being correctly guided … very sad for all involved.
 

Balancing act …

Leave a comment

I sit here thinking nothing in life is perfect and the expectation that it should be is not good.  But here I sit thinking how to keep the balance of how often our girls see their birth families so that they feel equal.

You see at 7 and 5 years old it counts!  And at the same time geography plays an important role in the amount of visits with one family. 

We live in California and our elder daughter was born in Minnesota.  Both her birth mother and her extended family still live in Minnesota and so does her birth father and his family.  We travel to Minnesota every other summer and her birth mother visits in California at least 2-3 times throughout the year.  Between visits we rely on Skype to brush away the miles and keep the connection/relationships ongoing.

Our younger daughter was born an hour south of where we live and her birth mother and her family live in the area and her birth father and family live just a few hours away.  So as you can see its easier to get together because proximity makes it so.

I feel sad when I have to explain why we don’t see C more and why we see S more.  I don’t want our girls to feel different because of geography.  We have explained that when C was choosing a family she wanted a family in California and that was her choice and the opposite was true for S.  S wanted a family that lived locally for her own reasons.

I know I can’t make this situation perfect but I also want it to feel fair to our girls so it continues to be a balancing act. 

A time of honor and remembrance …

Leave a comment

A Time of Honor and Remembrance
It is no small thing to give life.
To feel the kick of tiny feet.
To know that no matter how far apart you are,
there will always be someone out there
with whom you are connected.
To be a mother is to love,
to nurture,
to care.
To be a mother means to give your children the chance to be.
Birthmothers hold a very special place in the community of mothers.
On Mother’s Day especially, we deserve to be honored for all we have done for our children.
For the love we will always have for them.
For the place that is theirs alone in our hearts.
We begin by honoring each other.
~ Brenda Romanchik

This weekend is Mother’s Day and without the two women in our lives I would not be celebrating this day … the decisions they made and choosing us to be parents of their daughter’s has given me the opportunity to be a Mom and I cannot thank them enough …

We see this weekend of Mother’s Day/Birth Mother’s Day as a way to recognize the shared love we have for our children …

I personally do not choose one day over the other to let our daughter’s birth mothers know how much they mean to us …

We celebrate it as Mother’s Day with cards, gifts made by our girls (now almost 7 and 5 years old) and flowers from us sent to them.

We know how blessed we are throughout the year and to have both women and their extended families be part of our families … but we believe showing an extra special recognition on this weekend is important too!