family building

building community …

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Along the way as we tried to become parents first on our own and with the assistance of doctors, we found ourselves alone and isolated.  From who you ask?

From friends and family who were well-meaning but did not understand what we were going through … questions once we were married of when will you have a child? after being married for a bit the questions kept coming when will you have a child?  Meanwhile we watched as friends and family were starting their families … so we became invisible, we wanted to hide at family functions or showers hosted for friends having children.  In the end I stopped attending baby showers and even today I cannot bring myself to be part of the shower but I do celebrate my friends and their families just not at a baby birthing centered event it still makes me feel isolated even as a Mom today.

When we made the decision to adopt to be a family we shouted it out to the world!  We came out from hiding and along with that we met others who were either parents already through adoption or who like us were just starting their journey to parenthood.

It was one of the most important things we did for ourselves on this journey to parenthood.  Seeking out others like us who were adopting or had adopted.  We found a common ground with them as some too had had struggles with infertility and like us were coming out as they moved onto this path.

What did building community do for us?  It gave us a group of people who were travelling this same journey and we could share support in the rough and the good times.  What did this do? it created friendships that are still part of our lives today.  And those friendships have created friendships for our children today too!

losing control and letting go …

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Yes it’s true, I along with my husband had to learn to lose control and let go on our journey to parenthood.  Why you ask?

Well there are parts of the journey you can control:

  1. what professionals you choose to work with from agency, attorney, or facilitator
  2. to how you want to proceed with letting the world know you are hoping to adopt from using agency outreach, or creating your own outreach
  3. how your outreach looks and who may help you create it or by yourself
  4. how you educate yourselves on considerations in adoption i.e. what nationality, any exposures, siblings, etc.
  5. Say no to situations that may not fit or feel right for your family

And then there are the parts of the journey you learn you cannot control:

  1. how your outreach is perceived out in the public eye either for or against advertising while hoping to adopt
  2. if and when an expectant mom finds you and or your profile while considering an adoption placement
  3. if the hoping to adopt and thinking to place will mean parenthood

It is not that easy to let go and give up that much control.  What we learned is as we embraced this journey to parenthood we needed to embrace what we were working towards; and that this would happen we just couldn’t help what the timeline would be.

And letting go of the control takes time but we did find there are things to keep you busy:

  • first with interviewing and attending orientations to select a professional or professionals to work with
  • then its the homestudy, autobiographical questionnaires and home visits
  • then deciding how and where to prepare and send outreach materials as proposed by professionals
  • do we or don’t we start a nursery? yes we did! painted in neutral colors, with a non-gender specific artwork ~farm animals!  crib, dresser and rocking chair!

And then the busy work is done and the WAIT begins … this is when you really realize there is not much to do but wait, you can’t do more but embrace your journey and maybe just go a little crazy!

taking the next step …

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The adoption information night gave us hope that we will move forward on our journey to parenthood and that we will become a Mommy & a Daddy.

Why you ask?  Because we could see it happening from what we are learning.  We have talked and decided the best path for us is through domestic open adoption.  Not only did we attend the info night then we went on to sign up and attend an 8-week education support group about adoption.  Again through Resolve.  Through this group we met other families who had adopted and were living in open adoptions with their children and their families.  We met adult adoptees who longed to know their birth families and how important it was/is for them to connect and we met birth parents who had made the choices to place their child for adoption.

It was through these meetings and subsequently working with a well-known facilitator in open adoptions, that we knew this was how we would become a family.

Along the way we were recommended books that we found very helpful to us in our process.  First and foremost we were told we needed to look at ourselves and see where we were with our own grief and loss for not having a genetically tied child.  One of the books recommended to us and that we both read was “Adopting after Infertility” written by Patricia Irwin Johnston.  It helped us find a place to allow our grief to happen but to move forward without forgetting where we came from.

Other books recommended to us and we thoughtfully read were

  • “Dear Birthmother” written by Kathleen Silber
  • “The Open Adoption Experience” written by Sharon Kaplan Roszia
  • “Lifegivers” written by James Gritter
  • “Hospitious Adoption” written by James Gritter
  • “The Children of Open Adoption” written by Kathleen Silber
  • “Attaching in adoption” written by Deborah Gray
  • “The Third Choice” written by Leslie Foge
  • we subscribed to Adoptive Families magazine right away too!

These books unfortunately are not readily available in your local bookstore.  Through Amazon Books and Tapestry Books  we were able to find them and more!

These are books that helped us to develop our sense of what being a family through adoption and having an open adoption might be.

Reading and finding a community of support helped us to feel we were making the right decisions along the way…and so we began moving forward on our journey to parenthood through adoption.

where to begin …

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So now that the decision has been made, well at least talked about out loud but how do we begin?  Where does one go when they are considering adoption? the internet and the library of course!

So taking a leap of faith we begin really considering our decision to journey to parenthood through adoption … what does that look like?  Will we consider adopting through a domestic adoption? international adoption or foster adoption?  Do we know anyone who has adopted? hmmm…

Books that’s how we start with books!  I look back now and think of one of the first books we bought “Adoption for Dummies” I hear some of you wincing and chuckling but I tell you it was a great place to start.  In reading this book it became clear to us that maybe just maybe a domestic adoption would be our way to have a family, we wanted to have the experience of parenting from infancy.  But were we sure? not yet exactly.

What next?  Well the internet of course!  Google adoption ~ WOW!  Well that gave me too much to look through.  How do I narrow this down?  Okay google pre-adoption support, that’s better a little more contained.  Here we are a local number and organization that offers pre-adoption support ~ Resolve.  Yes we saw information for this organization at some of the fertility clinics.  They offer information on adoption too?  First up an information night, two hours of our time to hear what adoption is and what it might mean for us.  Okay we are signed up.

We have our book to read as we wait for the approaching date for the information night we are to attend where we will hear in more detail what having a family through adoption looks like.  Will it be a domestic adoption? international adoption? or foster adoption?