birth family

What the Baby Veronica Case brings up for me ….

Leave a comment
Everyone’s story and journey to parenthood is different, ours changed from trying to get pregnant to not needing to be pregnant to become parents and then deciding on the family-building option of domestic open adoption.
 
From the outside looking in our adoption journey was seamless and painless, but that is not always the case.  We made tough decisions along the way and when our second daughter was born there was more than those on the outside looking in were aware of.
 
Our journey to parenthood was guided by the late great Ellen Roseman of Cooperative Adoption Consulting.  Her guidance and wisdom were with us throughout our journey as well as the education she provided on openness in adoption and not leaving anyone out in the family especially expectant/birth fathers.
 
It was this aspect of the process that reminds me part of our journey to our daughter J and the decisions we were faced with after her birth.  We met J’s birthmother 10 days before she was born which truly was not enough time (in our mind) for her to make a permanent placement decision.  We had begun talking about her parenting after the baby was born and she turned this discussion into our sharing parenting as she works through her thoughts and feelings for what decisions were ahead for her.  The plan became about her taking the baby home from the hospital and then passing her onto us with S’s time becoming less and ours more if she decided that adoption was going to be her plan.  Then on top of that when my husband contacted the baby’s expectant father he went from first thinking our adopting his baby was a great idea, and hours later he didn’t.  We realized at that moment we might have to walk away from S & J.  Heartbreaking to say the least but we knew we had no place to fight him if he really wanted to parent his daughter and this was something he and S were going to have to discuss.  Their relationship was long diminished before this and that is why he was not initially part of her decision to consider adoption for their baby.
 
During this time, S wasn’t still completely sure what she wanted as far as parenting or entrusting her daughter with us.  We had to step out of the conversations at that point as it was not for us to be involved it was between them.  Ellen was there with us along the way and guided us through. 
 
It was hard, very hard but we knew we weren’t part of this discussion and we couldn’t be, it wasn’t our baby to fight for even though our hearts felt otherwise.  We had our two year old daughter to be parenting at this time so we had to still be there for her while all this was going on and she was to stay our focus.
 
We waited and waited to hear what the final outcome might be.  We heard from Ellen and S that the baby’s birth father had in fact consenting on the adoption placement. 
 
To this day we don’t know what brought him/them to this decision.  This last December we reconnected with him and his son (J’s brother) in beginning to establish a relationship as a family together.   At first he wanted nothing to do with J and us as a family.  We always left the door open knowing someday J would want to know him.  Then just like that last October he commented on a photo on facebook (we had become friends even though we didn’t communicate).  From that initial re-communication we planned on getting to know each other in person.  Our first in-person meeting was in December 2012.   Today we are planning another get together in honor of J’s birthday.
 
So yes from the outside looking in no one would suspect what had happened on our second journey to parenthood … I can still remember it like it was yesterday and reading and following the story of Baby Veronica it brings back these feelings and memories.   I don’t fault the prospective adoptive parents in how they may be feeling, but I really feel when the father of this little girl started fighting for her when she was an infant they should have bowed out.  Now there is an almost 4 year old girl whose life is turning upside down yet again.  This case and others like it bring to light the non-ethical professionals in adoption as it appears from the outside looking in in my opinion that they are not being correctly guided … very sad for all involved.
 

Balancing act …

Leave a comment

I sit here thinking nothing in life is perfect and the expectation that it should be is not good.  But here I sit thinking how to keep the balance of how often our girls see their birth families so that they feel equal.

You see at 7 and 5 years old it counts!  And at the same time geography plays an important role in the amount of visits with one family. 

We live in California and our elder daughter was born in Minnesota.  Both her birth mother and her extended family still live in Minnesota and so does her birth father and his family.  We travel to Minnesota every other summer and her birth mother visits in California at least 2-3 times throughout the year.  Between visits we rely on Skype to brush away the miles and keep the connection/relationships ongoing.

Our younger daughter was born an hour south of where we live and her birth mother and her family live in the area and her birth father and family live just a few hours away.  So as you can see its easier to get together because proximity makes it so.

I feel sad when I have to explain why we don’t see C more and why we see S more.  I don’t want our girls to feel different because of geography.  We have explained that when C was choosing a family she wanted a family in California and that was her choice and the opposite was true for S.  S wanted a family that lived locally for her own reasons.

I know I can’t make this situation perfect but I also want it to feel fair to our girls so it continues to be a balancing act. 

after a visit …

Leave a comment

How do we feel after a visit?

Last night C left to return home to her home state she left with eyes brimming over with tears and I saw A was looking sad about her departure as well. So I started a conversation with our girls about our family and their birth families. I asked each of them how they feel after we have seen C and S. Each of them enthusiastically said they are happy when they see them and they feel sad after they have left.

Now at 6-1/2 and 4-1/2 these times together mean more to our girls then when they were babies. We see them developing their own independent relationships and with these relationships come the emotions for them of happy and sad. We talked about it’s okay to be sad when someone we love leaves after a visit.  That shows us how much we love and miss them when we are not together…

We realize that this is not something we can wipe away or hug away. These are their feelings, even now when they can’t put it all into words… but we see it come out as anger, disobedience and quietness (which if you knew our girls you would know something is up). My husband and I have shared with our daughter’s birth moms that the girls do feel sadness when a visit is over so that they know too it’s not just them (both women have shared their feelings of sadness after spending time together). As our girls get older and their understanding of being adopted is more fully understood, I think we will see a variety of emotions before, during and after visits. It is something we have learned to be watchful for to be there as support in the best way we can.

I know both my husband and I each enjoy and look forward to our visits with our family. Some of our get togethers need to be planned, as one family lives out-of-state and the other although close to us, busy schedules have made it that we have to plan a date or days we will be together somewhat in advance. Sometimes these visits include all family and a mix of family from Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and Grandparents including our sides of the family as well.

We are prepared to be there as the emotional support for our girls for whatever and whenever the need arises. We are here to hear what they are feeling and sit and listen allow them the comfort and space to feel what they are feeling … for now they allow us to be and sit with them and talk about it and our hope as they are older they will continue to do the same, allow us to be their emotional support.

Visits together are fun and we all enjoy them, it’s when the time has come to leave that we all feel sad. What helps is we know we will be getting back together and spending time together another time sooner than later.