parenthood

15 years married

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It was 15 years ago on this date, that I married my best friend in front of family and friends on a beautiful warm autumn day on Long Island.

I can look back in my mind’s eye to this beautiful happy day like it was yesterday.  We did not know what the journey ahead would be for us we just knew we wanted to spend our lives together.  We have been together for 19 years having dated for 4 years before marrying.

What began as a friendship and blossomed into romance and now has deepened into a love and relationship that I could never imagine.  To have this man by my side is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  Over the years together we have had our ups and downs and we have weathered the storm coming out as a stronger team together.

I could never have imagined the journey our lives together would take and would never change a thing.  This man who is now the father to our children.  Each of our girls entrusted to us at birth. Our family expanding not only with the addition of our daughters but with each of their families. The love and friendship we share with all of our girls families only enhancing our love for each other.

Here we are 15 years later, we lived in San Francisco then to our first home purchased together in El Cerrito, then onto Hercules and now to our home in Poet’s Corner.  We have traveled together including Alaska, Mexico, back and forth to the East Coast and our honeymoon in France and Italy.  Later visiting friends and wandering through Australia.  I first started camping with this man and now our family enjoys yearly summer camping together.  We drove to our first daughter’s birth in Minnesota seeing it as an adventure leaving behind our coupledom .

Raising two girls together who are now 8 and 6 years old.  The fun and hectic parts of our daily lives that doesn’t always leave time for us.  I cherish our family time together but most importantly I cherish the time we get together just the two of us whether it’s after our girls have gone to bed or we’ve actually gone out on a date! The ups and downs of everyday life have only strengthened our friendship and love for each other.

Here’s to another 15 years and more, my love I wouldn’t want to share this crazy life with anyone else, Happy Anniversary!

The baby wait/weight …

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Weight-Scale

Yes it’s been years since we were in the waiting stage to become parents on our journey to parenthood, and yes our girls are now 8 and 6 years old. But I am still struggling with the Baby Wait/Weight. The weight I gained while on hormones and then being home while waiting and having food at the ready.

Excuse 1,000,000,000 now that our lives are in the fast lane with school for each girl, after school activities and more our dinners at times are whatever the quickest to throw together can be.  Not the best way to eat nutritious I agree.

All of this comes on the heels of a comment our older daughter made to me over the summer. She told me I was not able to sit on a porch swing because I was too big.  It hurt my heart like no other thing someone could say to me.  At her age she wasn’t calling me out as fat, she was saying it as she saw it, I am a big girl and that’s what she knows.  After my tears and conversations with my husband I realized there was no malice in her words just the plain facts.  This told me I was not happy with who I was in the skin I’m in.  I will not wallow in self pity I will do something about it and now is that time.

I will be 51 years old later this year and if I plan to be around for the many years I intend to see our girls grow and flourish I need to take a stand now on my wait/weight!

By writing about this and sharing publicly I feel I will need to follow through.  This is not a quick fix.  This needs to be a lifestyle change for me.  With the start of the school year my girls and I have been walking to school each and every morning.  Now I need to layer on more exercise and so it’s time for me to take out the leash for our 1 year old Weimaraner and hit the trails.

Both of our girls are naturally thin in this stage of their lives.  I don’t want them to feel the focus I have on my body image. I recently viewed the Dove #feelbeautiful  video about the legacy we pass onto our children regarding body image Dove Legacy . We’ve always prided ourselves that our children would know when they were properly full and stop eating.  From toddlers to now they do not overeat and we keep healthier snacks available to them and the other types of food are not forbidden but not our first choice.

It’s safe to say I have fallen off the good eating wagon and need to get all of us back on to provide a healthier environment in our own home.  I need to practice what I preach to our girls about fruit first when looking for a snack.

I have signed up for a 5K in June of 2015 to give me incentive to bring back the old me that walked 4 miles 3x a week.  The old me that didn’t eat carbs all the time and was healthier.  The baby wait/weight is just an excuse now I realize that.

So now I’ve put it out there in the universe, I will do something about the baby weight/wait!

 

Unwilling member of the sandwich generation

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From Wikipedia:

The Sandwich generation is a generation of people who care for their aging parents while supporting their own children.

According to the Pew Research Center, just over 1 of every 8 Americans aged 40 to 60 is both raising a child and caring for a parent, in addition to between 7 to 10 million adults caring for their aging parents from a long distance. US Census Bureau statistics indicate that the number of older Americans aged 65 or older will double by the year 2030, to over 70 million.

Carol Abaya categorized the different scenarios involved in being a part of the sandwich generation.

  • Traditional: those sandwiched between aging parents who need care and/or help and their own children.
  • Club Sandwich: those in their 50s or 60s sandwiched  between aging parents, adult children and grandchildren, or those in their 30s and 40s, with young children, aging parents and grandparents.
  • Open Faced: anyone else involved in elder care.

My sister and I are unwilling members of “The Sandwich Generation”.  This is not our first time at bat here.  The first was when my father sick from a debilitating disease and he and my mother not accepting any request to assist and/or advice on how to better manage all his care.  With lots of home care that stressed and stretched their relationship and ours with them till it broke and he passed away in 2012.

Now it is my mother’s turn.  She recently turned 75 and as a widow for the last year and a half has become more stubborn and shall we say forgetful. Layer on top of that she just had surgery to correct Stenosis of her spine. One she seems to be having a lot of difficulty recovering from physically.  In addition during her time at rehab they noticed some changes in her cognitive abilities.  Something we were noticing being long distance through phone calls.

I am 50 and my sister 46.  My husband and I are raising our girls ages 8 and 6 years old and we live clear across the county.  My mother is not an easy woman and not one I get along with very well so you can see how stressful it will be for ALL of us to have to be part of her ongoing care whether living independently or in need of more.

This is reminiscent of my father’s last years, needing care and more than in-home but their denial that he needed that and the stress that home care brought with it.  Take that with her lack of recovery from her surgery and her forgetfulness and stubbornness and we are back to this place of her not wanting to do what she needs to do and our having to figure out how to help. And both of us, my sister and I, do not live close by which creates an even greater challenge as part of this sandwich generation!

 

Stay at home Mom …

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By definition;

A housewife is a woman whose main occupation is running or managing the family’s home—caring for and educating her children, cooking and storing food, buying goods the family needs in day to day life, cleaning and maintaining the home,  etc. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stay_at_home_mom

This definition a bit outdated, but still the basis of what people think a stay at home mom is. On the other hand there is the comic picture I included which is how I think a lot of people envision the day of a stay at home mom…so not true!

There was a time that I was a career girl and I liked my jobs in the Fashion/Retail industry.  I worked for over 20 years in different capacities in the field.  Finally during our family building trials and tribulations I quit my job to focus on starting a family. That was over 10 years ago. People know me now as my girl’s mom.  They don’t necessarily know I lived and worked in New York City and that I lived and worked in San Francisco for many years.  I traveled a lot for work to a lot of cities and states even some I might not necessarily have visited had it not been for business.  I even had travel overseas for one of my jobs.

My current job description is Boo boo kisser, referee, menu planner, cook, chauffeur, homework helper, nurse, friend, wife, mommy, dog walker, recreational planner, vacation planner, food shopper, laundress, house cleaner, flower gardener, late night soother, CEO & President of our family Enterprise!

This is the first year both of my girls are in a full day of school.  This is the first year I have almost 6 hours in a weekday to fill.  With that I am at our girls’ school many days and there I’m known to help out in their classrooms, for field trips, special projects and PTA. I am also chairing the largest fund-raiser for our school ~ the Spring Gala.   Then there are their extra curricular activities.  I am a girl scout leader for each of my girls’ troops.  I am their taxi to and from ballet lessons and to and from play dates..  I put in much time and effort in doing all of these things for my girls, for their school and for their friends.

I consider myself lucky that I have been able to stay at home all these years.  It’s not been easy. We are on a strict budget (that I always go over, thank you amazon.com).  Both my husband and I grew up with each of our mom’s being at home and it was important to us that we try to give our girls this too.  There are days that I wonder was I cut out for this or should I be working again now that our youngest is in first grade.  There are times I hear my girls excitement that their Daddy is off of work and that is extra special time to spend together.  I feel pains when I hear them so excited for their Daddy and when I ask aren’t they excited for me too? they tell me we see you all the time! I wonder do my girls take for granted that I am always there for them?

Then there are the times I do feel the difference of not working at an office or for a company. This is usually when I am together with friends who do work and have that part of their lives. Yet I am lucky that there are a group of moms who too are stay at home and we can complain together and share the stressors of our days.  Other times someone slips and says something about being a working mom and passively putting down a stay at home mom.  Maybe it’s jealousy or maybe they don’t know how busy my day really is and think of the woman in the comic above?

In the end this was a choice we made and one I am happy to do on most days.  Don’t get me wrong it’s not always easy but I think in the end it’s worth it.  I say to those who can’t see the value in all that we stay at home moms contribute to our community, we do and that’s what matters!