open adoption

thinking back … remembering how it all started …

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memories thinking back to when we began our journey to parenthood …

Our journey to parenthood began officially in July of 2005 signing on with an adoption agency here in San Francisco and signing on with a well known and trusted adoption facilitator in the area as well.

After our homestudy was complete we began work on our outreach, telling the world we wanted to be a Mommy & Daddy and we were looking to adopt! Our letters mailed to healthcare professionals, and our website turned on on the internet to help us become a family … The letters and website both were done and up and out by Thanksgiving of 2005.

We started to receive phone calls from our website, but there was one that my husband (who answered the phone) felt connected to. C called in early December and talked to my husband for quite some time that day. He listened and heard her and asked some questions. After he got off the phone, we talked together and wondered could this be the call?

The holidays that year came at us in a rush … and before we knew it C called us back again in early January. We had previously shared with the facilitator we were working with the info we had gotten from C on the first call and then the two of them spoke. At that time, C was very early in her pregnancy (about 8 or 9 weeks) and we were all told this was too early to be considered a ‘match’ (the engagement of prospective adoptive families with an expectant mother) and were to build a relationship and see what transpires.

C lives in Minnesota and we live in California so building a relationship meant phone calls, emails, and instant messaging through YAHOO! We did develop a relationship … all three of us … and before we knew it she was six months into her pregnancy and it was time to meet in person. Arrangements were made for C to come visit us here in our home and to meet with Ellen, our facilitator. I can still remember the date of her trip … April 29, 2006!

Picking her up at the airport was nerve wracking, we did know her through our communications, and we each knew what we looked like as we had all shared many photos … but we were meeting in person for the first time … we were meeting the young woman who might choose us to parent the baby she was carrying … how do you prepare for this meeting? We bought her her favorite flowers that we took to the airport, we also had bought her favorite fragrance of showergel to have in the guest bathroom and when food shopping had her favorite foods and drink! We are a family that food is always part of any kind of celebration so for us that felt right!

Meeting her in person, my nerves melted away … it was like an old friend coming to visit! My husband felt the same way and so did our dog, Cody! We had a great time getting to know each other in person, showing her the sights of San Francisco, having her see the home we hoped to raise her baby in and just spending time together!

By the end of our visit she had officially asked us to be the parents of her baby and asked us to join her for a birthing class and to meet her OB/GYN back in Minnesota the next month. We happily agreed.

In July near the baby’s due date we packed up our car, our dog, and everything but the kitchen sink to be with C when she gave birth and then on July 21, 2006 we met our daughter.

When our first daughter turned one, we began talking again about adding to our family. We found this time we were a little slower to get some of the things done … her birthday is in July and in July of 2007 we asked our agency for an updated homestudy and we finally finished it by February of 2008. By the time we officially re-signed on with Ellen, our adoption facilitator, it was just after June 2008 ….

At the beginning of August 2008, we were called by S having ‘met’ through our facilitator Ellen, to meet in person. S lived an hour south of us and as luck would have it when she called my husband and daughter had just left for their swim lesson so I told her we could meet later in the day.

We drove down to meet S full of excitement and nerves! We knew before meeting S that her baby was due in two weeks … after building a relationship with C for almost seven months this would be very quick and different from our previous experience.

We got down to where she lived a little later than we anticipated and wondered would she care that although we called we were late! So not only were we nervous we felt bad we might be starting off on the wrong foot … with our elder daughter in tow we sat down to get to know each other, all of us sharing how nervous we were … she telling us she had never known or met any adoptive parents before and us sharing we were just nervous meeting her … our nerves and fears subsided and before we knew it we had all been talking, laughing and watching our daughter for over four hours. After our meeting we immediately called our facilitator, Ellen, and shared with her we would be very open to moving forward whatever S decided and unbeknown to us, S phoned Ellen and told her we were it, she had found the family for her baby.

We had two weeks to start developing a relationship that would last all of us a lifetime and we all made haste to get to know each other … we had her over for dinner a few times and we met at a park near to where she lives another and then we got the call …. her water had broken and it was five days before her due date … like with C, we were invited to be at the hospital to support her and meet our newest addition …and on August 22, 2008 our daughter was born.

Our girls are now 7 and 5 years old, we have extended our family not only through each of our daughter’s birth mothers but through their extended families and at the time each girl turned 4 we reconnected with each of their birth fathers. We could not imagine it any other way!

So you never know what a first meeting will bring … but in each of our cases it started what is now a life long relationship with each of our daughter’s families that have seamlessly become part of ours 🙂

Its the memories of where we started to know where we are today that got me thinking about our initial journey to parenthood.

when adding a dog is like an open adoption …

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hanging with Cody in our yard

Our family recently lost a dog to canine cancer. We didn’t have plans to add back a second dog right away but somehow a week later I found a dog “Pepper”on a rescue website that seemed like the right fit for us. Her story is that her first family felt they weren’t giving her the attention and such she needed. Her “mom” worked 12-13 hour days and her children were grown and no one else was home for the dog when she worked. So on this site she was trying to find her dog a family that could give her more attention with children and another dog for her to have.

We emailed and talked on the phone explaining who we were, what our family was like and why we wanted a second dog. Also explaining that we have two daughters through open adoption and if she would like we could keep her updated on the dogs life with us. She agreed that that would help her.

For our girls, we explained that the first family wasn’t able to give this dog everything they wanted for her. We talked about how we had some of these things that they were looking for and that we would like to adopt their dog if they chose us. I also explained like we have an ongoing relationship with their families, we would keep in touch with “Pepper’s” first family through pictures and updates. They really understood that and were happy to know that we would be sharing that information.

Our girls ages 7-1/2 & 5-1/2 years old understood the concept of adopting the dog and keeping in touch with her first family since we were getting our new dog from her first family and not a shelter. It only demonstrated IMHO a story not unlike theirs that they know all too well and having ongoing relationships with their families keeping in touch with our new dog’s family felt right to them and all of us.

We were chosen to be Pepper’s family and as promised we have started sharing photos and updates as she settles into our family with our other dog, our girls and us. We have an open adoption for our dog now too!

adoption in the world these days …

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I’ve begun to notice that the media mostly television and movies seem to have become interested in story lines about adoption whether they are “reality” shows or story lines in a drama or comedy.

I wonder if I’m noticing this sooo much because my family was created through adoption or if it is true that adoption is going mainstream?

First it was the movies with Juno, The Martian Kid and a few others, then it was story lines on Brothers & Sisters, Private Practice and then reality shows like True Life Stories on MTV, Teen Mom also on MTV and Find My Family.

I wonder if the trend is because adoption is no longer secretive, that those wanting family are a bit older and have the strong need to parent even when their bodies fail them? I’ve also seen discussion on some of the list serves I am on where others are noticing more story lines on TV. There are the celebrity adoptions that make headlines and then there is the everyday family who want to be parents and decide to adopt.

I do think there needs to be some outlet for people to learn about adoption and the myriad types … I especially think that openness in adoption and the lifelong relationships it represents should also be exposed through media. Yes there is always the bad things represented on shows like Dr. Phil, etc. but where are the good heartwarming stories about the lives that came together in the interest of a child and they all became a family?

We don’t wear our status of being a family formed by open domestic adoption to the outside world as our girls resemble us in some karmic way and so do their birth mothers… our family and close friends know how we became parents and for now that’s all who needs to know. Our girls are getting to the ages when they will decide who to tell and when they want to share their stories. It is not our story to tell any longer.

I hope the new interest in adoption and the media depictions will help those considering adoption feel that it is not the myth it is thought to be and that a family made by adoption is a family that started just a little bit differently!

Two Moms sharing their proud moment of their daughter …

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Our eldest daughter A has been enjoying ballet classes.  In two years she has moved up to beginning intermediate which is a great accomplishment.  Both girls attend the same school and for now I sit through each of their classes occasionally taking pictures and when I do texting them to each of the birth moms and other family.

This Holiday season A was invited to participate in the local ballet company’s annual Christmas ballet performance.  She had to decide on her own was she ready to commit to the rehearsal schedule as well as keeping up with her normal classes bringing her dance classes to three times a week.  When she excitedly decided that this is what she wanted to do I immediately called C (her birth mom) with all the details of the show and dates hoping she might be able to travel and see this performance.

There was enough time for C to plan for that weekend’s visit allowing her to fly in from Minnesota and thrill in A’s performance and the show.

Why am I sharing this moment?  I feel it’s pretty significant that both C and I could share in this moment together as we watched our daughter perform on stage at the theatre.  We both sat next to each other with major smiles on our faces when her group came out to perform their dance that was part of the show.

In return, I know A was thrilled to have C be able to come in for the weekend and attend the show performances.  It was a wonderful event to be able to share together as family.

And with that we, the two moms, shared a proud moment of our now seven year old daughter as we watched in awe her performance for the Christmas ballet.