parenthood

Can love be shared?

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I sit here thinking about our youngest daughter, and wonder how it does feel for her to be part of one family and still be part to another? At 4-1/2 years old, I’m not sure she has the words for her emotions and that became very evident this morning …

In her way, she was acting out over what normally are minor instances and do not become BIG blow ups … when I sat back after talking to her about using words instead of hands, allowing her self to feel anger, upsetment or whatever brought her to pushing her sister and other events today, I realized that there must be something more going on in that blonde head of hers …

I then thought, maybe, just maybe she was feeling torn about seeing her birth mom and family today … during our day together I could see she was thoroughly enthralled, happy and enjoying spending time with her birth mom, brother and the rest of the family, but is she allowed to love both of us?

I took the time to ask what she thought was making her act out as she has this morning? Was she seeing if I love her no matter what? Was she seeing that I love her when we spend time with her birth mom? Was she trying to see if her actions would make me love her less? Well in her sweet way she basically said YES to all of this …

Here we are she is 4-1/2 years old, living in an open adoption and she is wondering if she can show and share her love with her birthmother, and would it be okay with me? I never realized she would be torn … we have our own love for her birth mom and a strong relationship that we have developed and didn’t realize that in her way she may feel she has to choose one over the other when we are all together?

Looking into our daughter’s eyes, I explained to her that I will always love her, whether she acts out, whether she doesn’t, that no matter what she does my love for her is always there. I may be angry or upset but never, never would I not love her! Then still keeping her gaze I told her that she should love her birth mom as we do and she can show it as I love her too and we have enough love for everyone! In having this conversation, I asked if she felt this way about her Daddy too? and she said yes. So he joined our conversation and told her what I had just about me for him…reassuring her that we all have enough love to share … just like we love other family members and we can all love each other without hurting anyone …. being a family is being able to share our love …

She reached up and kissed her Daddy and then kissed me as well … I realize we are still in the beginning stages of her full understanding of our family and her adoption and I hope we can be as open together with each other as we were today and have been till this point ….

building community …

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Along the way as we tried to become parents first on our own and with the assistance of doctors, we found ourselves alone and isolated.  From who you ask?

From friends and family who were well-meaning but did not understand what we were going through … questions once we were married of when will you have a child? after being married for a bit the questions kept coming when will you have a child?  Meanwhile we watched as friends and family were starting their families … so we became invisible, we wanted to hide at family functions or showers hosted for friends having children.  In the end I stopped attending baby showers and even today I cannot bring myself to be part of the shower but I do celebrate my friends and their families just not at a baby birthing centered event it still makes me feel isolated even as a Mom today.

When we made the decision to adopt to be a family we shouted it out to the world!  We came out from hiding and along with that we met others who were either parents already through adoption or who like us were just starting their journey to parenthood.

It was one of the most important things we did for ourselves on this journey to parenthood.  Seeking out others like us who were adopting or had adopted.  We found a common ground with them as some too had had struggles with infertility and like us were coming out as they moved onto this path.

What did building community do for us?  It gave us a group of people who were travelling this same journey and we could share support in the rough and the good times.  What did this do? it created friendships that are still part of our lives today.  And those friendships have created friendships for our children today too!