parenthood

I want to be the shield to protect …

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“Not every lesson in life can be learned–some have to be lived” ~ Arianna Huffington

As a parent you want to be the shield and protect your child/children from anything and everything.  This is very true and especially when you want to save their feelings of hurt or disappointment.  And as a parent living in two very open adoptions you want to do everything in your power to make certain your children are always happy and not touched by sadness or disappointment.

Life is full of things that may cause hurt or disappointment things that you cannot control.  All parts of life become some sort of life lessons; but for my girls at their young ages I want them not to know how it feels when someone disappoints you.  However this is not something I can control…the actions of another causing disappointment to my girls.

Life is not perfect and neither are people.  It’s just that  J’s birthmom suddenly and without warning sent a text early in the morning of our get together to cancel.  I normally don’t get in a twist but it’s J’s birthday.  The situation gets complicated from there which I’ll leave for another time to post.

At almost 5 years old this relationship between J and S is theirs to develop and build together.  Disappointment shouldn’t be part of this autonomous relationship in my opinion, not yet.

We wiped away the tears after sharing the news, we talked about our feelings of disappointment, sadness and how it’s okay to miss someone when you won’t see them when you think.

When she was younger we didn’t share when plans were scheduled as they could change without warning.  So in protecting/shielding our children from disappointment we wouldn’t let them know too far in advance.  However, we learned it’s not for us to be this over protective.  Instead we realized we need to be there to help them through their emotions of disappointment when plans change.

So now we move forward with our family plans to help J celebrate turning 5!  And although we didn’t see S we do have separate plans to see her birthfather and his family.

 

 

Balancing act …

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I sit here thinking nothing in life is perfect and the expectation that it should be is not good.  But here I sit thinking how to keep the balance of how often our girls see their birth families so that they feel equal.

You see at 7 and 5 years old it counts!  And at the same time geography plays an important role in the amount of visits with one family. 

We live in California and our elder daughter was born in Minnesota.  Both her birth mother and her extended family still live in Minnesota and so does her birth father and his family.  We travel to Minnesota every other summer and her birth mother visits in California at least 2-3 times throughout the year.  Between visits we rely on Skype to brush away the miles and keep the connection/relationships ongoing.

Our younger daughter was born an hour south of where we live and her birth mother and her family live in the area and her birth father and family live just a few hours away.  So as you can see its easier to get together because proximity makes it so.

I feel sad when I have to explain why we don’t see C more and why we see S more.  I don’t want our girls to feel different because of geography.  We have explained that when C was choosing a family she wanted a family in California and that was her choice and the opposite was true for S.  S wanted a family that lived locally for her own reasons.

I know I can’t make this situation perfect but I also want it to feel fair to our girls so it continues to be a balancing act. 

It’s in the balance …

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okay get ready I’m talking about a taboo subject, or at least one that doesn’t get a lot of air play … I’ve been thinking of my mothering and the peri-menopausal symptoms I have … it’s quite a balance … motherhood and menopause…I will be turning 50 this year and our daughters will be 7 and 5 this summer, both entrusted to us at birth through adoption as you know.

Although becoming a mother was a journey I embraced, I am not quite embracing this latest journey in my life to menopause through the myriad of obstacles and symptoms that have become my latest routine.  Some nights are filled with ‘the night sweats’ others with insomnia.  During the day I may have a hot flash (luckily not often) and feel more blue than usual.  Irritability may be promoted from misbehavior of our girls or just the way I feel that day … it’s quite a balance and somedays I win and well others the symptoms win …

I realize parenting as a whole has its own obstacles in teaching our children to be good people of integrity and independence and as they get older their resistance to our oversight becomes stronger and stronger and with that clashes occur some for real and some because of my peri-menopausal self. It’s a ridiculously slippery slope, this midlife motherhood. I don’t think that any of us could have imagined how we’d need to balance it all, and especially at this juncture. Thankfully my husband is doing his best to understand and is the even tempered of the two of us at this point in my menopausal journey …

 

 

after a visit …

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How do we feel after a visit?

Last night C left to return home to her home state she left with eyes brimming over with tears and I saw A was looking sad about her departure as well. So I started a conversation with our girls about our family and their birth families. I asked each of them how they feel after we have seen C and S. Each of them enthusiastically said they are happy when they see them and they feel sad after they have left.

Now at 6-1/2 and 4-1/2 these times together mean more to our girls then when they were babies. We see them developing their own independent relationships and with these relationships come the emotions for them of happy and sad. We talked about it’s okay to be sad when someone we love leaves after a visit.  That shows us how much we love and miss them when we are not together…

We realize that this is not something we can wipe away or hug away. These are their feelings, even now when they can’t put it all into words… but we see it come out as anger, disobedience and quietness (which if you knew our girls you would know something is up). My husband and I have shared with our daughter’s birth moms that the girls do feel sadness when a visit is over so that they know too it’s not just them (both women have shared their feelings of sadness after spending time together). As our girls get older and their understanding of being adopted is more fully understood, I think we will see a variety of emotions before, during and after visits. It is something we have learned to be watchful for to be there as support in the best way we can.

I know both my husband and I each enjoy and look forward to our visits with our family. Some of our get togethers need to be planned, as one family lives out-of-state and the other although close to us, busy schedules have made it that we have to plan a date or days we will be together somewhat in advance. Sometimes these visits include all family and a mix of family from Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and Grandparents including our sides of the family as well.

We are prepared to be there as the emotional support for our girls for whatever and whenever the need arises. We are here to hear what they are feeling and sit and listen allow them the comfort and space to feel what they are feeling … for now they allow us to be and sit with them and talk about it and our hope as they are older they will continue to do the same, allow us to be their emotional support.

Visits together are fun and we all enjoy them, it’s when the time has come to leave that we all feel sad. What helps is we know we will be getting back together and spending time together another time sooner than later.