parenthood

can differences divide?

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divided_highway_ahead

This summer our girls attended Girl Scout day camp.  This was their 3rd year there.  It is a great full-day camp that runs for 9 days in the hills of Berkeley in Tilden Park.  What was especially nice this summer, is at this camp our girls can reconnect with some of their friends from the town we used to live and moved from over a year ago.

It’s taken me a bit to digest the first week of this summer camp and why I’m sharing now in late September.

It was quite a surprise when it happened, the differences that were making a GREAT divide.  You see my eldest daughter was reunited with most of the girls from her previous Girl Scout troop at camp something she really looked forward to.  This was a troop that had started in kindergarten and one we were part of through part of 2nd grade even after we had moved.  So both she and I were caught off guard with the questions one of our friends was asking, almost taunting both my daughter and I about.  “Are you adopted?” she asked each of us, first A during the camp day and then me at pick up “Isn’t A adopted?”.  I could see A was upset at pick up and realized as soon as I was approached by this girl that that may be the reason.  You see our family was built through adoption and we make no secret about it and this girl having been part of our circle of friends knew this.  So I pressed her what was her sudden interest, was there something she wanted to know about how we became a family?, who all our family was? why was she taunting us as she asked?

At 8 years old, A can choose who and what she shares about our family story.  She knows how our family was built, she knows and has ongoing relationships with ALL her family.  She chooses at this age not to always talk about it.  Our story is not a secret but a private family matter.  So being questioned like this was upsetting to her and me. Furthermore, this girl went on to tell everyone in their group at camp.  That truly was the most upsetting part.  Who was she to retell A’s story?  What did she get from telling the other girls?   Why did she feel this need to make A feel different from the group?  This was not very Girl Scout like for sure.  Her actions were creating differences that ultimately could divide the group and we still had many days of camp left to go.

When I was approached by this girl, my daughter’s friend, I asked her why? why was she asking this day?  Was there something she really wanted to know?  I am happy to explain more about our family make up and use it as an educational moment, but that didn’t seem to be what she wanted.

I wanted this to stop.  No one should try to divide a group and make anyone feel different.  I asked A if I could call her friend’s mother to let her know what was going on.  She agreed that it would be ok.  I did make the call, I did explain all that I had tried to share with her daughter trying to make it a positive by turning it into an educational moment about how families can be made differently.  She apologized for her daughter but her daughter never apologized to either of us.

This incident left me wondering, was this the start of others looking at our family so differently that they wanted us to feel that way, to divide us from others? Then I thought how do we better prepare our daughters for this?  How do we protect their hearts when someone is asking with the type of intent that hurts?

the life of a mommies group …

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9-28-2006

When our first daughter was born and entrusted to us, I joined a local mommies group.  The group I joined was not necessarily adoption focused, but it was a mommies group.  I talked to the facilitator about my journey and she allowed me to “try out” a meeting to see if it would be a good fit.

That was 8 years ago and we still see each other as best we can with multiple kids, school & sport schedules and life!

It turned out the day I sat in on this particular mommies group would be life changing/life saving for me!  I was the only mom there through adoption, but no one cared!  The way I connected to these 10 women in just one session was amazing to me!  We were all struggling with the demands of a newborn as first-time moms, that is what connected me to them!

We met every Tuesday with facilitated meetings and after about 6 meetings we were to go and meet on our own.  The meetings did go on and went from more formal get togethers to meeting at the park, or meeting for coffee.  Most of us would become stay-at-home moms which gave each of us the want/need to keep on meeting.  We made outings to the pumpkin patch, we celebrated the holidays as a group including the daddies!

As our babies grew we took the time for mommy time and met for dinner, drinks and movie night!  Then before we knew it second babies were adding to the group.  This, however, was a time for me that I had to take a small step back.  Since I was not getting pregnant to add to our family I could not always be part of the constant pregnancy talk when 6 of them were pregnant at the same time.  My mommy friends understood.  They knew I was happy for them, but they knew it was hard for me.  We did not leave the group I enjoyed our social times together and so did my daughter.  I just had to pick and choose more closely when we would meet up.

And then our second daughter was entrusted to us and she fell in the middle of all their second births.  This was a tough time for us with our daughter being a last minute placement to our family (another story at another time).  These mommy friends rallied around us now having a better understanding of how our journey to parenthood worked.  They cooked us meals, offered helping hands and were there to support us during this time.

You see somewhere during the first 2 years these women went from just my Mommy Group friends to friends.  We shared our daily struggles as new parents first with infants and then onto toddlers.  All of us adding to our families around the same time.

Today we are getting together has become our custom, to celebrate our first babies turning 8 years old.  Our girls are as excited as us to see everyone!

the day I totally lost my cool…more than usual

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Maybe it’s because we are only in week 3 of school and we are not quite in the groove of our school morning routine, maybe it’s because I’m in the last days of this month’s pills, maybe just maybe I am still getting over the visit with my mother over a week ago.

In any case, I totally lost my cool with my girls during morning prep for school this past Monday. I lost myself so that I scared myself.  The anger that welled up in me took only seconds and just like that it passed.  After though was the guilt, lots of guilt.  Heart wrenching, migraine making, guilt.

My mother and I have a tumultuous relationship. One I am trying hard not to duplicate with my own girls.  I had a good childhood, but my teenage years and subsequent years into adulthood have not been easy with my mother.  It was there as we were together to celebrate her 75th birthday just over a week ago at my sisters home the fact that we cannot be alone in a room just the two of us.  My buttons are pushed and we argue at each other.

I have attended mindful parenting classes to give me the tools so that anger is not my first reaction.  I realize I am not alone, especially after attending these classes.  There was a room full of women with similar backgrounds trying to change the history so as not to repeat their relationships with their mothers with the children they are raising.

Both my husband and I are strong personalities (mine maybe even the most strong-willed) and our girls are strong-willed as well so there are bound to be bumps in the road.  Differences of opinion, differences of how we should do things, differences as they show their independence. That is all expected.

Let’s face it I’m 50 going to be 51 this year, my hormones are changing and some days I feel fine and others not quite myself, can I blame it all on hormones? no, but they do add to it.  I have taken steps to try to alleviate the peri-menopausal symptoms with drugs and herbs.   But there are still days…

There are just some days that my anger is quick and mighty and I cannot get a hold of it.  I am thankful that it is not often not at the level it was Monday morning.

and so the school year begins …

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and so the school year begins here is an email sent to my younger daughter’s first grade teacher today.
 
 
Hello Ms. N,
 
J is currently working on her homework, all about me and it prompted me to write.  
 
I wanted to let you know in advance so you may have an understanding of what she is sharing. Our family was built through adoption.  Both of our girls were entrusted to us at birth and we have continued family relationships with their birth families including and not limited to their birth mothers, birth fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents and siblings.  
 
So on her page she has listed she has 2 brothers and 1 sister.  This is true and how she knows her family (her sister has 3 other sisters).  They each live with her birth family, one with her birth mother and the other with her birth father. We see them, have pictures of them, etc.
 
Our family has blended beautifully and J is choosing to share this.  She is at an age now when she can decide who she shares with.  If you think at any time I need to come to class and help explain how our family was built for the other students to understand, please let me know I’d be happy to read a book and talk about it with them.
 
Please let me know if you have any questions.
 
Thanks,