child-centered

Balancing act …

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I sit here thinking nothing in life is perfect and the expectation that it should be is not good.  But here I sit thinking how to keep the balance of how often our girls see their birth families so that they feel equal.

You see at 7 and 5 years old it counts!  And at the same time geography plays an important role in the amount of visits with one family. 

We live in California and our elder daughter was born in Minnesota.  Both her birth mother and her extended family still live in Minnesota and so does her birth father and his family.  We travel to Minnesota every other summer and her birth mother visits in California at least 2-3 times throughout the year.  Between visits we rely on Skype to brush away the miles and keep the connection/relationships ongoing.

Our younger daughter was born an hour south of where we live and her birth mother and her family live in the area and her birth father and family live just a few hours away.  So as you can see its easier to get together because proximity makes it so.

I feel sad when I have to explain why we don’t see C more and why we see S more.  I don’t want our girls to feel different because of geography.  We have explained that when C was choosing a family she wanted a family in California and that was her choice and the opposite was true for S.  S wanted a family that lived locally for her own reasons.

I know I can’t make this situation perfect but I also want it to feel fair to our girls so it continues to be a balancing act. 

OAR #44 What Openness Means to me

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Open Adoption Bloggers has created a new prompt through the Open Adoption Roundtable.  It’s designed to be a showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community.  SO here is the prompt for OAR #44:

What is “openness” to you?

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To us openness equals family.  What do you mean by family you ask?  Well I looked up the definition and found many but none that completely fit what we believe to be the definition except this one from the “Your Dictionary” found on the internet:

Family means a specific group of people that may be made up of partners, children, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. (noun)

This definition didn’t define family by DNA, just by relationships.  That’s how we perceive our family.  It’s not just your connection by DNA makeup but by the relationships we have together.

We can share milestones and discover when members of birth family had theirs, we can see nature vs nuture at work together, being family means we spend time together, we visit, we do things together, we talk on the phone when we want, we share pictures, we send gifts, we do all of that and more not just for us but for our girls to know where they came from and who they are …

Our girls each entrusted to us at birth, know their families not by happenstance, but because that is how we wanted our family to be.  We embraced all of our girls’ families that include their birth mothers, birth fathers, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great-grandparents as our family and in return they have embraced us.

Our girls know no better they just know who is their family and they love them and are loved by them.

 

 

spoken or unspoken promises …

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prom·ise (prms) n.

1. a. A declaration assuring that one will or will not do something; a vow.

b. Something promised.

2. Indication of something favorable to come; expectation: a promise of spring in the air.

3. Indication of future excellence or success: a player of great promise.

v. prom·ised, prom·is·ing, prom·is·es

v.tr.

1. To commit oneself by a promise to do or give; pledge: left but promised to return.

2. To afford a basis for expecting: thunderclouds that promise rain.

v.intr.

1. To make a declaration assuring that something will or will not be done.

2. To afford a basis for expectation: an enterprise that promises well.

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As you know our family was built through domestic adoption. Along the way of our journey to parenthood, we learned what it meant to parent a child entrusted to us. The promise of placing a child to you to become a mother or father comes from great love of the child by the parents who made that child and for whatever reason cannot parent and care for that child. In return to promise whether spoken or unspoken to the birth parents an ongoing relationship is a selfless act as it is really to the child that this promise is made.

Not everyone has had the opportunities that my husband and I had along our journey. The opportunities to become informed and seek education. The community we found and maintain as friends of other families like ours, built through adoption. We sought this out because we did not know what it was to become parents through adoption. We knew we needed to understand what it was before we took the leap onto the path that would make us parents. I wish for so many who take this journey to parenthood that they become informed and educated before becoming parents to better understand what the relationships can be like and to choose if that is how they want a family.

Looking back we can say that this is what helped us become the family we are today. We were able to decide what path was the right one for our family to be; that we wanted an open ongoing relationship with our child’s birth family … not just for us, but for our child and what it would mean to them.

Over the years I have met both in person and through cyberspace, many women who have made the loving decision to place a child born to them to be raised by another. But for these women the promises spoken or unspoken have been broken. The families that they met and chose to parent their child have walked away or at least closed the door just enough not allowing a relationship between the child and birth parents to grow and blossom. It is so sad to watch from a distance to see the affect this has on these individuals. And to think what will become of these children kept from their birth family not by their choosing. When they are older will the have to secretly seek out their birth family?

We met many young people and adults who had been adopted in a system that did not allow an ongoing relationship after the child/baby’s placement. Those in charge thought it best for the birth mother/family and the child to not know each other for a variety of reasons. What did we hear from these people? How much a piece of them was missing … they loved the families they were raised in but somehow couldn’t find their whole selves … some were able to try and reach out to birth family with the help of their parents and some had to do it in secret because they knew their parents were afraid of what would happen when a reunion happened that choices might be made to love birth family more than the family they knew.

In today’s world or at least where we live, it is more common in a domestic adoption to have met and create a relationship with the birth mother/father and extended family and become a family as one with the child as the link to all of them. It is this belief that our family was made.

And so it is with a heavy heart that I read or hear how an adoptive couple close the door just enough not to allow an in-person relationship between the child and their birth family. I have seen and heard the fear of adoptive and hopeful adoptive couples at conferences or in chance meetings. I don’t understand their fear … how can you turn your back on the family that chose you to be the parents of their child? How can you close the door to your child and not allow them to know all of their family?

As we are learning as our children grow from babies, they begin to understand more and more of their story when you talk about it (and hopefully you are sharing with them their story of their life). There will be questions of why this or why that? You will see the strong physical resembelance of your child to their birth family … relish in it! Our daughters now 6 and 4 years old brighten and smile when you share with each of them some action they’ve done or said that resembles their birth mother or father. Don’t steal this from your child it will help make them whole!

I have no answers for these broken-hearted families who have no or very limited access to the child they so desire to know and have in their lives.

I wish for all hopeful adoptive parents and adoptive parents to think twice before they speak or infer a promise to get a baby that the ramifications will be great and the hurt greater. If you cannot fathom an ogoing relationship don’t pretend that you will, be honest with yourself, be honest about your family. Don’t hide your true feelings to get the end result… a child … in the end you will be doing harm to this child who may never understand why you kept them from knowing their family.

Why choose open adoption?

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Curious people who hear how our family was formed want to know why we chose open adoption.  For them and others we have not yet met, I think first we need to explain the general thoughts/definition of Open Adoption –

This is an excerpt from “What is Open Adoption?” by Brenda Romanchik. Ms. Romanchik is the birthmother of Matthew, born in 1984 and placed in a fully open adoption. She is one of the founders of Insight: Open Adoption Resources and Support and is the author of A Birthparent’s Book of Memories, Birthparent Grief, Your Rights and Responsibilities: A guide for expectant parents considering adoption, Finding Our Place: Birthparents in Open Adoptions and the upcoming Birthparenting. She lives in Royal Oak, Michigan with her husband and the two children she is parenting, Katarina and Daniel.)

What is Open Adoption?

“Ask five people what their definition of open adoption is and you are likely to get five answers. Some may think that allowing an expectant parent to choose the prospective adoptive parents from a profile of non-identifying information is an open adoption. Still others may say that those who met prior to placement and who exchange pictures and letters after the child is placed in the adoptive home are participating in an open adoption. This definition is, in fact, a variation of a semi-open adoption or openness in adoption.

So what is an open adoption? The primary difference between a truly open adoption and a semi-open adoption is that the adopted child has the potential of developing a one-on-one relationship with his or her birthfamily. It is not about the adoptive parents bestowing birthparents with the privilege of contact, nor is it about birthparents merely being available to provide information over the years. Direct contact, in the form of letters, phone calls and visits between the birthfamily and the adopted child, along with his adoptive family, is essential if they are to establish their own relationship. After all, how can we honestly call an adoption open if the child is not involved?

For many who are just beginning the adoption process, the concept of open adoption appears to be another complication they would rather not deal with. One prospective adoptive mom, weary from years of infertility, asked me at an adoption conference, “I am pursuing an international adoption because I don’t want to have to deal with my child’s birthfamily in any way. What can you say to me that would make me change my mind and pursue, instead, an open adoption?” My answer to her was simply this: “No matter where your child is adopted from, you will, as adoptive parents, need to ‘deal with’ your child’s birthfamily whether you know the birthfamily or not. This birthfamily is a part of who your child is. Open adoption allows you to know your child better by knowing his birthfamily.”

Expectant parents considering placing a child for adoption are often just as leery of the prospect of open adoption. Many are told, or feel, that ongoing contact will make it difficult to move on with their lives. Some are afraid that seeing their child will be too painful. Many worry that their involvement might confuse the child.

Making open adoption child-centered.

Many adoptive professionals encourage prospective birthparents and adoptive parents in the pre-placement process to choose the level of contact “they are most comfortable with having.” The philosophy of comfort does not take into consideration several very important factors, one being that open adoption should not be based on making the adults involved comfortable; rather it should be about providing for the needs of the child. Much of the open adoption experience is uncomfortable and awkward, especially in the beginning. While it is true that many children are only as comfortable as the adults around them, it is also true that many of us do things for our children that we are not totally comfortable with because it is good for them.

The other factor that the philosophy of comfort does not take into consideration is that adoption is a lifelong process. Many birthparents in the crisis of planning for an adoption look upon continuing contact as an option too painful to contemplate. Many adoptive parents, on the other hand, just want to be a family, without the added complication of visits with their child’s birthfamily. Most open adoption agreements are based on these feelings that occur around the time of placement. These agreements do not allow contact to ebb and flow according to the needs of all involved, most importantly the child. As time goes on, many birthparents, adoptive parents, and the adopted child find they want more contact, but feel they are not able to ask for more because of the original agreement. In cases such as these open adoption becomes a contract instead of a covenant.

According to Webster’s Revised Unabridged Dictionary, covenant is defined in part as being one of the strongest and most solemn forms of contract. It is also described as being sacred. For open adoption to work best, birthparents and adoptive parents need to see their involvement with each other as a sacred commitment, or a covenant they make to each other for the sake of the child.

Patricia Martinez Dorner, author of Children of Open Adoption and Talking to Your Child about Adoption, encourages us to see open adoption as just another form of blended family. In adopting, adoptive parents are welcoming the member of one family into their own. This “blending” of families is not without its share of uncomfortable moments, but the beauty of birthparents and adoptive parents accepting each other as family is twofold:

One, birthparents and adoptive parents really get to know each other. It allows them to see who the others are outside of their adoption experience. Birthparents can be seen as more than someone who found themselves in a difficult situation and adoptive parents can be seen as more than an infertile couple. Being able to know each other as complete human beings allows for greater acceptance. The adopted child is also able to know his birthparents as they are, rather than creating a fantasy birthparent. Instead of spending countless hours conjuring up an image of a person they do not know, they can use that energy for other things.

Two, it gives the child a sense of wholeness. There will no doubt be times when birthparents and adoptive parents take up the responsibility of maintaining the connection with each other. An infant, a toddler or a child cannot carry the burden of maintaining the connection between his two families. An adopted child whose birthfamily and adoptive family come together in a familial way, will grow up with greater certainty. There is a saying that the greatest gift parents can give their children is to love one another. I think it is inclusive of all parents, not just married couples.

So, what does a family blended by open adoption best compare to? In their book, The Open Adoption Experience, Sharon Kaplan-Roszia and Lois Melina state: “In practice, the relationship in open adoption is…comparable to that between in-laws.”

In marriage, a spouse accepts his or her in-laws because he or she realizes that they are an important part of who his or her spouse is. In open adoption, the adoptive family and birthfamily make a commitment to stay in contact because they also realize that the birthfamily is an important part of who the child is. As with in-laws, relationships vary. Some open adoption relationships develop into friendships while others are more distantly involved. All, however, recognize that they are family to one another, and important in the life of the child.”

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So why did we choose open adoption? I chose this explanation as I felt it most reflected our family and beliefs … we are a family made through open adoption … My husband and I are the parents of two girls who are now age 6 and 4. We have very open adoptions with each of their birth families. But you see when we first started this journey to parenthood through adoption we were scared by our early readings on what open adoption was/is. You see living as a family in open adoption is not for the faint of heart …

Why you ask? Well it’s a human relationship for one and these need work and love to develop and prosper, if you don’t like the person you are in a relationship with how will you continue in your relationship? Two any relationships have their ups and downs, but being a family means you work through the downs to walk through the ups together … you see when you enter into an open adoption relationship you become family! So for those who may be faint of heart or for others considering this as a family-building option you need to learn what it is and not let your fear overtake your emotions … open adoption is not just about us, it is about our children, our girls and all of their family!

The first books we read did scare us as we didn’t have any connection to any families at that time raising children in an open adoption so we were scared of the unknown. We found an education support group for adoption through our local chapter of Resolve. We attended an information night and met many other couples just like us … hmmm we were not alone (after feeling very alone on our trying to bear a child journey) that was a good start! We then immediately signed up for the 8-week education group to gain as much information and understanding of what may lie ahead for us if we were to take this path to parenthood. Again we were not alone, our group was made up of 6 couples just like us trying to figure out if this was the right path to have a family and quite frankly what it was like. The 8 weeks were filled with lots of information and meeting families who were now parents of children who came to them through adoption. We met birth parents who were part of their child’s family. We met adult adoptees who did not have contact or a connection to their birth family and we could feel their losses. We met older children whose family always included their birth family. We saw it right there in front of us, we saw how regular/normal it was for them we saw it didn’t have to be scary or confusing … we saw that this was a way we may be able to have a family!

It was through our adoption facilitator that we continued to gain more information and meet many families made through open adoption. We found a community of people (again just like us). It was with the wisdom and guidance of our facilitator and the community of these other families we knew this was how we wanted to have a family and what we would want for our future children. We wanted to be sure that when we met or talked with an expectant woman that she too wanted the same; and that being an ongoing in-person familial relationship for all of us. We wanted to be sure that the adults making these initial decisions were all working from the same page, that we all wanted to be a family together for our child/children together.

We saw that in choosing open adoption as a way to have a family, our children would always have a connection and know and be loved by ALL of their families! We wanted them to know who they look and act like, we wanted for them to know siblings and grandparents, aunts and uncles. We wanted to have this family to be there for them to help heal their losses.

So here we are today we are a FAMILY together involved in each other’s lives, we see each other, we love each other, our girls know their families ALL of them from their birth parents through to great grandparents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and siblings. We realize everyday how blessed we are by the transformation of our family from just the two of us to our daughters and their families together as one family! We are blended together seamlessly as one and for our girls they know no different they just know that we are all family and that we all love and care for them and each other and that’s how we roll as a family!