the day I totally lost my cool…more than usual

Maybe it’s because we are only in week 3 of school and we are not quite in the groove of our school morning routine, maybe it’s because I’m in the last days of this month’s pills, maybe just maybe I am still getting over the visit with my mother over a week ago.

In any case, I totally lost my cool with my girls during morning prep for school this past Monday. I lost myself so that I scared myself.  The anger that welled up in me took only seconds and just like that it passed.  After though was the guilt, lots of guilt.  Heart wrenching, migraine making, guilt.

My mother and I have a tumultuous relationship. One I am trying hard not to duplicate with my own girls.  I had a good childhood, but my teenage years and subsequent years into adulthood have not been easy with my mother.  It was there as we were together to celebrate her 75th birthday just over a week ago at my sisters home the fact that we cannot be alone in a room just the two of us.  My buttons are pushed and we argue at each other.

I have attended mindful parenting classes to give me the tools so that anger is not my first reaction.  I realize I am not alone, especially after attending these classes.  There was a room full of women with similar backgrounds trying to change the history so as not to repeat their relationships with their mothers with the children they are raising.

Both my husband and I are strong personalities (mine maybe even the most strong-willed) and our girls are strong-willed as well so there are bound to be bumps in the road.  Differences of opinion, differences of how we should do things, differences as they show their independence. That is all expected.

Let’s face it I’m 50 going to be 51 this year, my hormones are changing and some days I feel fine and others not quite myself, can I blame it all on hormones? no, but they do add to it.  I have taken steps to try to alleviate the peri-menopausal symptoms with drugs and herbs.   But there are still days…

There are just some days that my anger is quick and mighty and I cannot get a hold of it.  I am thankful that it is not often not at the level it was Monday morning.


let’s be honest here …


I sent an email to my husband at work this morning.  I probably should have had this conversation with him in person last night, but I hadn’t put into words, my words how the death of Robin Williams affected me. To my husband I shared that “I’m not sure that you fully understand the grey days that I have they are not caused by any event, they just are.  I thought with all the public talk of depression I need to be  more honest with you.  Although I have NEVER had any suicidal thoughts or any thoughts of harm, there are days for me that it is hard to just be upright.  I cannot put it into words how that feels.  I just want to be honest here and in that same token I can’t just be fixed I just need you to understand and not push me to feel better.”

I think I’ve suffered from this “grey” for a long time even when I was younger just never had a label for it.  Some days it was just easier to stay inside and hide then to be out and socialize.  When I lived alone whole weekends would go by and I would stay in my apartment just getting through the days before returning to work on Mondays. When we went through infertility and subsequently our journey to parenthood through adoption it was there, always there.  When I first became a mom people always commented how I would be out doing things ALL the time with my girls as they were babies and even still now that they are older.  No one knows but this is my coping mechanism so as not to let the “grey” take over.  If I’m home in the house too much I get boxed in and feel closed in.  Being out and about and doing things keeps these feelings at bay.  We all benefitted from my taking us out on adventures it clears my head and my girls and I got to experience things together. I was better at this when they were younger it takes more effort on my part now since they can entertain themselves and I can just sit.  I’ve missed out on social things because I just can’t shake this feeling, I’d rather do nothing and sleep by staying within myself than be out I need to be better at pushing myself to not let the “grey” take over even today.  I think it’s become more constant since I’ve hit the pre-menopausal stage of my life even with antidepressants.

What really struck a chord with me yesterday was when our 8-year-old shared that she felt glum a couple of times.  I know that feeling and it’s not easy to shake.  I will be watching her and talking with her to draw from her what she is feeling.  I am hoping for her it’s just the change in pace from the last few weeks of camp and activities but I will be watching.  Depression does not know age, it does not care who you are and as the world learned yesterday it does not care if you are rich and famous.

I am hopeful that now that I’ve been honest with my husband he can be there for me and not try to fix me.

Here are other personal accounts of friends and fellow bloggers who have been there and struggled

At the Napkin Holder In His Shoes

At Another Version Of Mother Depression Is

At No Points for Style An Eternal Multitude of Despondency